I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
