i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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