I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
