Don't make out with my wife yet
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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