I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
