I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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