every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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