You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
