we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
