he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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