Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
