if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
