why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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