I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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