She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize