I think I won the penis lottery.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
