i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Randomize
