I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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