I think im going to throw up on grandma
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
