I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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