what if every blade of grass was a penis?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize