im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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