Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
