I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
