I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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