She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
