he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
