I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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