now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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