ugly people sure do ruin things
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
