Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Is it penis luge time yet?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
