I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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