I'm lost and stupid without you.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
