I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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