I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
