I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
