at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
