Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
