Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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