We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
