i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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