Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize