I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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