Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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