I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
