The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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