I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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