They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
