I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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