I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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