Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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