I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
