Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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