I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
