Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
