i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
