Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
