Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
